Doesn't Time Fly By?!

I was just looking at the latest blog I posted to make sure I didnt repeat anything and wow it has been a long time since I last had a ramble at you all!!

So, since we last chatted (theoretically...) I have:

Been doing my usual crap of sitting on me rear trying to breathe, I have also been going back and forth to physio to help with my crazy muscle weakness, which I have to say is going well, but it is really hurting and causing me to be mega exhausted muscle wise for the rest of the week!!

On a good note though, I have been very busy visiting people and doing stuff as I fear that I have been out of hospital a little while now so I pretty sure I'm going to splat soon and I could do it rather well!!

So, last weekend I went down and picked out the lovely other half form work and met a few everyone, that she works with, which I have to say was a little bit nervy on the old body as there was about 15 of them, but I done it so there one section of friends complete lol.
Saturday night, we sat and watched a few horror films which I actually crapped myself with [I prefer a good old disney film if im honest lol]
Sunday morning we made pancakes and munched on them in bed which was amazing, and when we eventually got up, we went to the Eden project which looked stunning all christmassy with all the lights on. I also managed to get us both on the temporary ice skating rink that was there, but flipping heck my lungs and muscles didnt half play me up for it!! On the evening we went out for a meal and had the fatest munch ever, we rolled into bed...literally haha
Fianlly Monday...we were aiming to go to port isaac as I wanted to go to the home of Doc Martin, but when I pulled up in the car park, it was raining, the sea was in and I really didnt want to get cold and wet, so we went to the next little town over and got some portable lunch and found another little town called rock where we sat in the car, munched at could watch the sea in the warm!! In true style, I managed to get us lost on the way back though which I have to say was rather funny!! I finally left Cornwall at 2230 and got home around 1240 *shatter.com*

0600...yup you read right, that crazy time in the morning, I was awake as mum had a hospital appointment that I promised I would run her too...she said we had to leave by 7!! So there I am, up readed, medicated and rearing to go...kind of. Then mum rocks into my room and says "whoops I got the time wrong,we could have had an extra hour in bed"....you what, thanks mum!! Ah well, atleast we wasnt rushing around at last minute lol!!

We finally get back just in time for me to go to physio, once that was finished, I had a quick power nap, as then was off to Bristol to see my dad briefly, and then off to the Besties house for the night.

0500 (i swear these times are getting earlier) me and the bestie are awake as...we are off to London!! Our initial intentions was to be getting a new piercing, but after getting there and wondering around for anhour and a half and not being bale to find the shop I got pissed off and refused to keep looking. We ended up going to harrods to buy coffee, M&M world to buy absolutly anything...to which I did, but it was great, who knew you could spend so much time in just one shop...and then, we went to TGI fridays for a munch, followed by the rainforest shop before making our way home. Oh that was after we had to wait for our stupidly delayed coach argh!! Lets say, we slept the whole way home haha.
Thursday morning we were up by about 0930 (thankfully a day with a normal hour) and within an hour I was on my way home-ish. Via a flower shop and then via nan and grandads graves to re make their new homes look remotely good!!

Well, I have to say, I think that that has been my fun filled few days/weeks!! busy hey!! Im pretty sure I will keep you all posted on the next few lot of adventures!!

TTFN

XXXX

Stolen...Whoops

I was reading a post by someone I follow and I have to say, I chuckled a lot and really had to share it...but didnt want to take the gratitude for it. So here it is!!

"The new release of iTunes has had me thinking about playlists. I'm largely bored by playlists, I'm sure that we all have them - playlists called 'At the Gym', or 'Walking to work', maybe 'In the bath', or even just 'Happy', 'Sad', or 'Romantic'.

I have playlists organised by decade, '80's', 90's and so on.

I think that we need a new way to think about playlists, one that will spark imagination rather than to just be a way of organising our tracks.

What sort of music would you put in the playlist 'My Nemesis is Dead at My Feet'?, how about 'Songs to play at my funeral', or even better 'Songs to *never* be played at my funeral'. What about playlists like 'Drinking champagne on the top of a tower block while pissing over the edge'? 'Being chased by remnant KGB assassins'? 'Songs that I sing aloud to when I'm drunk and alone'? Or even 'On discovering that I'm not actually human'?

How about 'Songs to commit serial murder by', or the more prosaic 'Soundtrack for my favourite book'?

What would be in your '24 hours until the planet explodes' playlist, or the much happier 'A meteorite wipes out the houses of parliament while every damn MP is in the building'?

What would be your playlist for 'Finally Achieve Godhead'?

Come on folks, let's be a bit more creative than 'Relaxing Toonz'."

[http://www.briankellett.net/brian-kellett-dot-net/2012/12/6/itunes-playlists.html]

TTFN

XXXX

I Need Your Help!!

On the 13th of February 2013 a few of us will be doing a sponsored walk in Cornwall. We are raising money for the charity Asthma UK.

My girlfriend came up with the idea a few weeks ago, and I said I will tag along to support her. This will be a massive challenge for me in particular because of my asthma and newly diagnosed muscle weakness, but I am positive about it and I will be doing it....BUT we need your support!!

Here is the just giving page, any amount can help!!

https://www.justgiving.com/sophie-hockaday

TTFN

XXXX

Ubber Cool Weekend!!

Recently myself and the mother have been spending lots and lots of time together which so super lush!!

This weekend we went to Cadbury Garden Centre, had a gander around all their Christmas decorations (spent far to much money yet again) and then shared a scone and had a yummy toffee nut latte from starbucks...mmmmmmm

Once that little adventure was over we went and paid a visit to a friend of my mums who she hasnt seen in a blinking long time, and from what I could tell, she had a thoroughly good day which is great!!

Well, then it was an early night for me as I had to be up at a crazy hour to drive to Exeter to meet the other half!!

Although it was crappy weather the day was bloody amazing, I started the day off.by deciding not to use my sat nav and got lost *twit*. Then I could fond the right car park, and low ans behold, I then got re lost trying to fins the museum, *DoubleTwit* to which I finally found, half hour later.

The whole day consisted of visiting the museum, having a walk around a stunning park *RaindropDodging*, having lunch in Marks and Sparks and then shopping!! A great day that I really did enjoy, yay!!

Well that sums up my little weekend, Im all smilies and super happy, life couldnt be better (forgetting about my cruddy health of course)

TTFN

XXXX

My Adventure To Birmingham

Birmingham was on Wednesday, and wow what an adventure it was.

We didnt think at first that we would make it, with all the rain we had just missed the flooding in the next town down and within 2 junctions we had just passed 3 smashed up cars. With setting off at 8 AM *yawn* we made it to Birmingham by about 11ish I think...thank goodness for my road trip selection on the ipod.

The craft section of the German market we decided to visit was lush. Mum got a bag with her birthday money from nan, and I got some super ace rose lights. Sadly though as I took so long with walking we had to leave the rest and go to my appointment at Heartlands, but mum was cool and took me back for the rest after...which took we even longer to walk around. I got some amazeballs gingerbread, pretzles and nuts though mmmmmmmm.

My Sexy Rose Lights

My ubber lush pretzle

Fantastic Lights

Ok so the main point of this blog: Heartlands. A bit of mixed emotions about it if I must say. Not sure whether its good or bad really!!

Long story short, they basically wont let me stop any medications still, but have increased my antihistamine yet again and started more antibiotics. They are refusing to let me have surgery on my stomach to stop my reflux untill my lung function is a lot better. Im being tested for something called steroid myopathy so that could be interesting. Want me to send off yet more gunk to see if they can grow anything. Im also being told they are keeping a close eye on me so I have to go back again within 8 weeks-oh and my observatios where shocking and they wouldnt take me just walking ip the stairs as an excuse, damn . (Atleast theres and excuse to go shopping in Birmingham hey!!)

I think thats what they mainly said, its still a little muffled in my brain with it being to much to take in again.

TTFN

XXXX

What A Blinking Day Hey!!

When I woke up this morning, I was in a good mood, I was happy, cheery and ready for the day a head...and then I went down stairs, bad move I say!!

My now ex stepdad was sat in the lounge with mum, and as he was getting ready to sod off to work, he was ranting away...about me!!

He told my mum how its my fault he is in debt, because he has had to spend out extra money on food and bills etc and im not paying him anything. (may I add here that I still get no finacial help, Im still not allowed to work, and when I do have a bit of money, I get my own bit of food and I always give mum any spare bit of cash I have) so yes this majorly upset me as hes not my dad, I have a perfectly good dad but u fortunatly he lives 50miles away from me and works all hours so it wasnt suitable for me to move in with him!!
Once he had said this, he then blames the above situation on not being able to pay mum back!!
He also then went on to say he is spending much needed cash on hospital car parks...for one im sorry I have to go to so many clinics and my asthma is so uncontrolled at the minute, and secondly, he has never once visited me whilst I have been an inpatient so I dont have a clue what he is yabbing about!!

Todays second horrid moment was when I got to physio, they discharged me from the knee clinic from the injury I sustained, but have admitted me to the muscle weakness section. my physiotherapist has express large concerns about my lack of muscle mass. He has said that the steroids are having a huge effect on them and said my muscles are basically none existant!! I now have to go weekly for the next six weeks. He didnt even want me to wait till my appointment in Birmingham on Wednesday. Though he also mentioned that the physio may not actually do much whilst im still on the steroids, if anything what may happen is the wasting will just slow down a little. My response to that-its better than nothing being done at all!!

The third and final cruddy moment for today is that when I get back from physio, the prat I mentioned above decided to say to me "so you actual found your muscles now and stop being lazy". This really hurt me, as I havnt chosen to be like this, yes it has made me whole I am today but if i had healthy lungs and could be like any other 21 year old, I would certainly choose that path!!

 Just because him and my mum have split, does it really give him the right to treat me this way, talk to me like he does and actually make me feel rubbish!?  because in my eyes, no one should make anyone feel like that!!

On a good note, Birmingham on Wednesday, with a trip around the German market!! Quality time with the mother!!

TTFN

XXXX

Finally!!

I guess it's about time that I told the blogging world as my family, friends and facebook world know about it...

Remember the lush new girl I was telling you all about not so long ago, well we can officially call her my Girlfriend now, and I'm absolutely over the moon.

Short, Sweet and Happy but I just had to shout it to the world!!

TTFN

XXXX

Just Giving!!

I have to say since being on the Asthma UK forum and Facebook page, I have met some amazing people, made some amazing friends that will stay with me forever and I'm now going to get stuck in and help these people I have met!!

Recently I put a post on their Facebook page mentioning that I wanted to start helping with fundraising, and within a few days I had a reply...and to be honest I was a little shocked, as I didn't think that anyone actually would!!

Well, shall I cut to the chase!?

Basically, someone called Daniel Brookes contacted me saying that he was about to embark on a huge challenge!!

He is going to run the London Marathon next year!! Yes the whole wacking 26.2 miles...and he also has bad Asthma as a result of a nasty work related incident. He truly in showing that it can be done, an inspiration to other I say!!

Please can you spare a second to give a donation via his just giving page (https://www.justgiving.com/Daniel-Brookes1) No matter how large or small the donation is, its going to do wonders for the charity that has helped both Dan and I plus many others!! Oh and remember to hit the Gift aid button if your a tax payer, lets make the government give something back for us!! 

Here is the link again:

https://www.justgiving.com/Daniel-Brookes1

Do your part for this amazing person who cares so much for a charity that helped him out when he needed it most!!

I wanna see some donating going on c;

TTFN

XXXX

What A Turn Around!!

Happy Happy Happy!!!

I say this in one breath because the super lovely girl that I have been getting on really well with and who I have huge feelings for has decided that she wants to take things to the next step and be my Girlfriend, so I'm happy to say that I am officially off the radar, yay!! I really can't believe that I could like anyone again, especially after the way my last girlfriend treated me!! But sticking with the positivity, and fingers crossed things continue to go as well as the are!!

Sad Sad Sad!!!

In the other breath, I'm mega sad as on Saturday night my mum and step dad split, and he was being super nasty to her and was stressing her right out, so I packed the car, took my rabbit and the pup to my sisters, and gave my fish a holiday block and I drove myself and my mum to Manchester to stay with my Nan for a few days. Just got back today, and I am bloody knackered, and the atmosphere is well SHIT!!

I got upset as whilst mum popped out for two seconds, all his ids came around and started slagging off me and mum, yet we really don't understand what we have done wrong. What have we done to deserve this?! It makes no sense at all!!

Tomorrow me and mum are ringing citizens advice to find out how quickly we can get out of this house as my lungs for one are super twitchy already and mum is coming out is nasty rashes so it really isn't fair on us at
all!!

So a breath of two halves I say!!

Oh and its mummykins Birthday tomorrow, so I am taking her to Street hopefully to spend some good quality time with her and then in the evening, myself and my sister and her boyfriend are taking her bowling, we are refusing to let these people spoil her day!!

Well, quick catch up from me!!

TTFN

XXXX

My Memories Suite - www.MyMemories.com

I have been contacted by a company called "My Memories Suite",  and it is a fantastic software, where you can make Scrapbook Layouts, Photo Books, Card, Videos and More. It really is a fantastic software. 

With being a little bit of a technical geek, and really loving any opportunity to edit and play with any of my photos, I thought this was a fantastic chance to sit back and explore, and man didn't I love it, I was hooked!!

Here are some screen shots of me using the software to actually show you how simple and easy it was to use and make a pretty nifty unique Birthday Card using one of the set designs within the software.

First, using the huge amount of choice, select any template that you find will match your idea.

You can then add and remove any similar templates that you can play around with if you don't like your initial design.

Take the opportunity to choose either manual or automatic photo upload.

At the bottom of the screen you can flick through each of the designs to look on big screen which one appeals to you the most.

On the right hand side, click the little camera icon to upload bring forward all your photos in your desktop folder. Than click on each empty photo shadow on your template and click on the photo you would like to go in there, and wow your photo has transferred over.

Finally on the right hand side you can then edit any photos (straighten up the photo into the box, change it from square to circle and move any extra wispy bits), text or colourings to suite you and  template is then customised.

Make sure you save your template and you can access it in the future!!

 I hope that these simple easy steps persuade you to get the software just like I did!!

Any queries, please leave me a comment below!!

If you would like to get this software I have a link to the right of my blog, simply just click on it and you will go straight to the official and genuine website where you can browse and explore the whole range of fantastic products!!

TTFN

XXXX

Never Again I Hope, Yuk!!

I was literally just sat there, I hadn't moved, touched anything or touched them yet my eyes randomly started to burn. I ended up not being able to see.

Mum guided me to the kitchen and I chucked water all over them for a few minutes, still no better though. What could it be, what had I got in my eyes that could burn so badly!?

As it wasn't improving mum took me to our local community hospital at the end of out road. By point of arrival not only were my eyes literally burning, but my face also decided it wanted to go bright red and start swelling. We knew what was happening now, I was having an allergic reaction.

Wet towel over my eyes to cool them down, we were sat in the waiting room.no more than a few minutes and were called straight in....sorry to all those who had been there a while.

A quick history (as not my usual main hospital, its more like a minor injuries unit and then the medic looked at my face. Straight away he went off and from what I could hear had brought back with him lots of stuff.

In went the cannula (after fishing - again), hydro and antihistamine. Next came some anti eye burning drops. The a quick check of my bloody pressure, pulse and sats and a physical listen to my chest. Then the second lot of eye drops, these ones were antihistamine eye drops (didn't even know that existed). Thankfully by the time all this had kicked in, and it was about an hour later once the medic had come back and reviewed, I started to look a little less like a sunburnt chipmunk (Theodore to be exact) and a little more like me again. We had to wait a few more hours though until I was back to near life form before I was let out the door. Oh and a quick check.of my peak flow to make sure the lungs were OK!!

What a fun and unexpected night that was!!

Oh and did I mention in the time of us being there, a lady come in who had a needle stick injury - 4 hours before, a man came in who cut his leg open on a rusty nail - 1 week before, a little boy decided he wanted to cut his head open on the coffee table, an old lady decided she wanted to have an argument with the kirb, a young girl decided she wanted to have a sky high temperature and two people came back up to either have a dressing changed or to start and antibiotic for their leg that grew something funky on a swab!! I find it weird what people rock up with, and also amazing how your other sense kick in and become stronger when you loose one!!

Thankfully, I can see again this morning, I just have super itchy eyes!!

TTFN

XXXX

Reality

Since my last post I have had a few friends contact me or talk to me about it, and they have said some lovely things which really has shown me that people do actually care!!

I also had clinic today and wow wasnt that exciting.

I have to yet again increase my steroids as my lung functions are in my boots and I have hardly any air entry. My sats were also 89% whoops!!

My consultant has said that I am not well and tried to admit me but I pleaded with her as since september Ive not really been at home. Which was when we agreed on upping steroids.

She also said that she has had PALS on the phone after mum rang them about being kicked out of hospital when I was so poorly. She was also shocked to hear that I had had so many IVs and landed in Intensive care again and agrees that i should not have been sent home and my mum told to look after me on hourly nebs. So she has said she will investigate and contact the other hospital to get a clearer picture and get back to me.

It seems weird to hear my consultant be so nice, it has taken a while but locally I have to say she has been one of the best ive had!!

I guess it does help me being honest with her as I told her that being sent home on hourly nebs scared me to hell!!

on happy notes, I mentioned in my last post that there was a new girlie in my life and well we are meeting up officialy on the 25th (as lung as im well because of my crappy lungs) Im so excited!!

Also, just to touch on it, the horrid thoughts have subsided for now. Wonder if this is because life is on the up again!? who knows!!

TTFN

XXXX

Brain...Thinking = Scary!!

Recently I've been thinking a lot and it has been bringing back some bad memories. In my last post I mentioned/touched about the thoughts I've been having but I never really explain why I had them in the past. I said I think its the steroids but the problem is I'm still on that high dose and I'm going to be for a while and these silly thoughts keep creeping up on me.

Well, tonight I have figured enough is enough, my parents kind of know what has gone on with me but to be honest we haven't really spoke about it. So now I feel it maybe time to let it out all out altogether and I'm sorry if any of my friends read this and it changes the way you think of me or in fact you decide you don't want to talk to me again or be my friend. To be truthful though if you don't want to know me once you read this then I guess your not a true friend after all and Ill stick with the people who will stand by me. So if it turns out you are one of these people, well, goodbye and thanks for chatting...

...Right now to get to the point of this blog.

So basically, for a very long time I have been questioning who I am and what I want, but this has just been to myself, and I've never really spoken to anyone about it until recently. 

Things naturally progressed and life carried on...great. Until I was 17 and a person who I had thought was a very close friend who I laughed with lots and helped out with their little girl and spent lots of time with came onto me. I was very shocked to say the least as its not what I expected and didn't know how I felt...because she was a girl. As mentioned above, I've always questioned things but never really explored. 

Once all the shock had passed with the fact that she had just kissed me, I guess in my head that it clicked that yes this is who I may be but with still being young it was all still very confusing. 

Initially I never told my mum and when I moved in with this girl I just told people I was moving in to help out financially. 

So many people had asked me if we were together but I had to say no as she wasn't ready to come out to the world (yet she made the first move. So as your probably guessing, yup this was confusion number two for me)

A year after we were together and she started getting bored. She started to become abusive. It started with just throwing things and then moved on to throwing things at me, then to hitting me. During the next year of  me stupidly staying with her as she "promises she wont do it again" I had been punch, kicked, pushed down stairs, bite, attempted strangulation, and also had her daughter taught to hit me also. Yes I know your probably all thinking why an earth did she stay...Well to be truthful once your in that situation it really isn't all that easy to get out. I tried to talk to the police but they wouldn't listen. I so tried to tell friends I thought I trusted but because our friends were joint, they always believed her as they would ask her daughter who would always lie. Thankfully on the strangulation attempt I drove straight to one of the peoples houses who I trusted and showed them my neck to prove things.  This work for a little while and I was believed...Until round 50+ of the punch round and because on this one occasion I hit back I was suddenly the baddie...how could I possible hit someone!? 

So, September 2010 I had made the decision that I was finally getting out. This was helped by the fact I bad been punched in a visual place, had my ribs broken and had been ran over...I was getting out, by taking an overdose. All I remember about it was texting my step mum saying that all was OK and that I wasn't now having to take an emergency bed up in their home yet again. For some reason she didn't like the sound of the text, left work early can came flying around to the house. My breathing was pretty much non existant and I was very very drowsy.

I took 80+ paracetamol and 30+ co-codamol. If my step mum had of ignored my text, I would have got what I wished for...FREEDOM!!

After staying in hospital for a few nights needing medication and to speak to psychology, I left hospital. I managed to persuade the psych team that as it was my first suicide attempt it was a one off and as a result I didn't need a follow up.

I had to have 3 months off work to sort things out and make sure I was mentally stable enough to work back on the ward. During this time I had found that there were a few members of staff there that I was to become good friends with and I confided in them and told then some of what was going on and the reasons why. This turned out to be fantastic as on at least two occasions after I endured a beating, I could leave and meet up with them. Even if at 3am in the services station.  Your probably thinking, hang on why she still getting beatings when she escaped post her overdose, well stupidly I went back. I forgot to mention that whilst I was in hospital this particular girl had rocked up to the hospital and in my dozy state had told me it was my fault she done it and that things would be better now as I would see sense. So even when my dad picked me up I still refused to go home with him and I was to go home with her.

In February I finally decided enough was enough and I was actually getting out. I couldn't cope so when she was in work I grabbed all my stuff and chucked it in my car and drove to my dads. Yes I no longer had to deal with the torture...physically. As the bitch still kept mentally bullying me. She would hack my facebook and text me at all hours. Being the bigger person I ignored them and 6 months later she gave up and left me alone.

Starting to get things back on track and all was great.

I still had a this in my mind as you cant just delete it from your brain, and then .y asthma started flaring up again and I was becoming brittle for round 2. Seriously how much more can my body cope with...

With my past, my lungs, not being able to work, loosing my job altogether, loosing my college course, loosing my home, getting into debt and having no income my brain starting ticking again and I have attempted to escape. None have been as bad as before and Ive never gone to hospital as a result, but yes I have taken further overdoses.  I just don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I am refusing to go to the doctors to declare I am depressed as I don't want to have to start happy pills. I have seen many people take them and to be honest as of yet I have never seen anyone any happier whilst taking them.

Last week I started planing another suicide attempt. I was in ITU  for my asthma and I decided enough was enough, I don't want this life any more. It sucks. I figured I was on the organ donation register, lets give life to someone who generally wants it. I guess in my mind the only reason these thought have jumped back at me is because I am still in debt, I still cant get into University and...there is this girl down in Cornwall who we have grown very close to and I guess I'm scared that it'll be the same scenario as before. Also, to me, I am still very confused with what I want and who I want to be. I'm worried my family wouldn't accept me and I'm worried Ill make a mistake again...I have spoke to my best friend about my confusion, she accepts me and has helped me the best she can, but I guess that does make the answer any easier to interpret and act upon.

So ending all would be so much easier.

Why does life have to be so hard!?

Why does life have to be so stereotypical!?

Why can't life just flow and everything be happy!?

I will apologise again for this post, especially if its all over the place and doesn't make huge amount of sense, but I know in my mind I have tried to do something about my thought, and this post has been wrote over three days and nights.

I have also been scared about pressing publish as I don't want to loose any friend, especially over the gay/bisexual scenario!! Well I really hope I don't anyway because I guess I'm not going to change who I am to please anyone else when I'm struggling so much to please myself!!

I could keep writing/ranting/thinking but I guess until I hit publish, I haven't a clue if this post is going to have been a good think or not.

Again I'm sorry if this shocks anyone and causes a block aid between us!!

TTFN

XXXX

In Recent Weeks!!

Just over two weeks ago I decided I wanted to feel poorly again lung wise and went to the GP to get advice of what to do to try and prevent an increase of steroids and a trip to hospital. After two minuted of sitting my bum in the chair in the Doctors office, I had sats monitor on and she was listening to my chest, within another 2 minutes, I had a nebuliser mask attached to my face and and ambulance had been called. A trip to resus and a five day admission and I was sent home again!! Sadly though I happened to run into an ass of a Doctor whilst there who didnt want to follow my plan from Birmingham and wanted to take matters into his own hands and left me with just hourly nebs. By 3am when the next doctor was coming around to see me, another blood gas was done which showed I was retaining my Co2, fun hey, so the IVs were started!! I also had a run in with the nurse as I wouldnt "wee wee in the potty" lets just say I wasnt happy about being spoken to like a 1 year old and the nurse soon sound out!!

Friday night I was sent home and on Saturday I thought Id be an ass and take the docs for a walk, so by Sunday night I had taken a turn for the worse again and was on my way back to the hospital.

The initial A&E doc was great, followed my plan according to how I presented and got IVs started and had admitted me. 3 hours later the MED REG came along and said I have been discharged two days ago so I dont need to be there again, stopped all my IVs and sent me home. Lets just say my mum was fuming, and took me to the next hospital  by which point I needed even more steroids and IVs. I also had a review by the ITU docs. They also admitted me as I was to poorly to be at home (surprisingly as the last doc said there was nothing wrong with me). During the 8 days thatI was there, I needed 5 days of IV aminophylline and a 4 day trip to ITU, I was least impressed and to be honest totally scared about going to my local hospital for if they send me home again, as if I didnt go to the next nearest hospital, what the heck would have happened to me!?

As you can probably tell, I put in a complaint with PALS about the MED REG at the previous hospital, and so far they have spoken to the initial Doctor who has agreed that I was very poorly and needed to be admitted, and following this the A&E consultant is also be questioned. Once all this has taken place, the MED REG will be pulled in!! No wonder asthmatics are scared to go to hospital when you get treated like this!!

In other notes, back a few years ago, I tried to end everything as im getting annoyed with having no life, no money and slowly loosing all my friends!! Over the last few days, these thoughts have been creeping back upon me and my head keeps telling me to end it again. Im finding it hard to work out whether this is genuinely    me again and just really hacked off with life, and whether it is being back on hi dose pred!! Ive told mum I want to end it but she keeps telling me to be strong and we will get through this, but the problem is, no one else knows what it is like to live my life, no one knows what its like to have to be me for just 24 hours. Yes there are people like me and people see me daily but no one knows what its like to actually be me!!

Im sorry if this maybe a shock to some people out there as I have only very told a couple of people about my past, but I cant keep it in any more, its eating me up and clouding my brain so im hoping that letting it out may be off some help!!

Well, thats me for now!!

TTFN

XXXX

Result!!

Finally I find a GP who has a brain!!

I went back again to the GP this am as is still have a stupid amount of pain from the pred withdrawals.

After two seconds of me sitting there, he has already pulled up my most recent letter from heartlands (to which the last two GPs didnt), disagreed with Tuesdays GP and said there isnt a chance in hell of it being the lack of tramadol in my system.

Because the last GP disputed it, he asked about my symptoms again, and poked and prodded my joints and said, doesnt look like anything else that he can see.

He did say though that he is reluctant to go onto drugs like morphine because my lung function is currently only 51%, but he has said that I can have paracetamol, tramadol and codeine, and if i alternate, I can have a pain releif every two hours. To me that seems like a god plan, and fingers crossed so far it hasnt been as bad now this morning.

Next up was a trip to the the physio department. To which they have said I have really bad muscle weakness and ligament damage. Great! so he has sent me away with some exercises, and will see me again in a few weeks!!

So for now...a happier me!!

TTFN

XXXX

Pain In The...Body!!

Since being discharge from Birmingham  because I didn't go home on anything stronger than paracetamol, I am suffering massively from the pain with the steroid withdrawals. I went to my GP to try and get something stronger yesterday but instead they gave me (according to them) the only alternative possible, which in my opinion is a weaker drug.

As thought, it did even less for battling my pain, so I rang and made yet another appointment for today.

Thinking I may actually get a doctor that generally cared, I book the appointment at lunch time and off I went. To be questioned about who told me it was prednisolone withdrawals (erm the consultant in Birmingham), as it sounds more like problems with to much pain relief...and he sent me packing with NOTHING!!

Now I have just about had enough of being treated like crap as if I had something else wrong with me that causes major pain, I'm sure Id get drugs straight away. With being so hacked off I rang Birmingham to see if they can help. They couldn't give me drugs (which I knew anyway as they are 3 hours away from me) but they gave me the best plan for taking the pain relief I have got, and asked whether the GP are going to look into my joint pain if they are disagreeing with what the consultant and specialists have said, to which I chuckled and said no, he just sent me packing, so they told me to believe them (don't worry Brum, I will!!) they also told me to keep going back as they will soon get fed up with me being there daily and start prescribing me something just to shut me up!!

I know physically Brum haven't help take the pain away, but in a weird psychological way, it is helping knowing that they have given me a plan and reassure me they do care and no Ill get it bad with such the steep drop in steroids I done, and also reassured me that hopefully the symptoms should have gone by the time the 6 weeks has gone by and I'm back up with them.

With moaning AGAIN, on a different subject, I have reapplied for Uni, I know there isnt a chance ill get in because of my health but I thought what the heck!!

well TTFN

XXXX

The End Of My Recent Journey

On Thursday I was all ready and waiting to have my metacholine challenge test done. When I eventually got down to the respiratory centre, everything was set up and I started by doing a basic spirometery. After one blown the resp tech then said he was stopping the test straight away as my lung functiin was only 51% compares to july which is a steady drop. A little gutted as wont be getting any other suggestions or answrs but also slightly happy as I know that the test isnt very nice.

During the late afternoon I got a little excited as I heard the HCAs talking about moving me into a side room...result, no more old people and their weird noises at night. UNTILL...they said there was no point as I was potentially going hom the next day as test couldnt be complete. Gutted.com!!

Friday came and they went over the tests I had done and reminded me of the new doses for my medication and best of all they said I could go home.

Mum arrived about 1530 and straight away I just wanted to leave so we started by just putting my kit in the car. Once that was dobe mum treated me to a yummy costa coffee and cake. Yum!¡

An hour later my body thought it would be great to have another allergic reaction, so I went to the dic who fast bleeped medical illistrations as they want tk start a portfolio to the weird and wonderful reactions I keep having. Once they arrived and done their bit I then had the lush drugs to counteract the reaction.

By 1900 my meds finally arrive, are checked and we are leavin *happysmiles*...and mum treates me to a scrummy maccers!! Much better than the to many to count fish finger meals I had consumed lol.

P!nk is pounding out the speakers and we hit the road. Once the album was complete, zonk, Im asleep...and next thing I know, we are home!!

My step dad bless him said I looked much better as I had sone colour in my face etc and then we tell him  about my latest reaction. For some reason my stepdad always seems to think the minuted ive left hossie im instantly better...weirdo!!

I have to admit having my own bed again was lush. But I hated not being able to sleep sat up right, the duvet was to hot and the strangest of things, I hated it when I woke in the night and I couldnt instantly see as there was no light. Strange how things change in a matter of weeks!!

With being on a much lower dose of steroids than I have been in 22 months I am suffering massivly with the pred withdrawls and I hate it. When its at its peak in the middle of the night im crying in pain and just want to wither give in and take more steroids or just go to hossie and get stronger drugs. I never no what to do!!

My rant for the day, and now to catch up on two weeks of tv

TTFN

XXXX

A Few Answers...

Firstly ive had a few rough days and nights whilst coming off the steroids which hasnt been very nice at all. We have currently come to a hault at 10mg of pred as my body couldnt cope!!

On other notes, my asthma team decided to get immunology involved because I keep having these random reactions and they have now told me I have idiopathic anaphylaxis. Great hey, so basically severe reactions that have no known trigger, so I could walk outside and something in the air cause me to have a reaction. Damn body!!

I also had my nasal endoscopy with provication yesterday to which showed I dont havt VCD which is fantastic news as it is my asthma!! Sadly though it showed that my reflux has caused damage to my upper airway which is why I have become so sensitive to sprays and strong smelling stuff etc.

At this moment in time though im not sure of a plan for resolving this.

I have one more test tomorrow so will be back with results then hopfully!!

TTFN

XXXX

Communication At Its Best!!

Thankfully all has been going well but since my episode off vomitting on Sunday/Monday im still getting a rather high amount of nausea. Not so nice!! Thankfully the nurses and staff are so amazing, I am still so mega shocked about how fab the treatment is!!

Anywho now that I have said all this I am about to contradict myself massively...a random chest consultant (whi I might add specialises in TB)  rocked up at my bed and decdied I was on far to much medication and some had to be stopped...initially she said it would be ny Montelukast. So I had a minor meltdown as this goes against my actually consultants plan.

After asking my nurse if I can leave the ward, I thought a well deserved mcdonalds drink was needed nom nom nom

Arriving back on the ward the night staff were now here and some amazing staff was on!!

The one nurse has been on a fair few nights and this is her last and she was the lush one to get me some so time consuming mags...and in return to say thank you I drew her a cartonised picture of her...to which (thankfully) she loves, when she took home to he partner also who is an illistrator aparently he said my art work is flipping amazig *beamingSmile*

Back to my actual nurse though this is my first night with her and I soon find out she is just as ace as the other.

Meds round comes and we find that the stupid doc didnt stop montelukast *result* but just stopped my aminophylline *angryface* . So me being me I had a melt down and cried and I had both nurses sat on my bed feeding me pink milk lol.

I was so stressed though I just couldnt sleep and had been up ALL night. The nurses though were so lush though and let me go to the desk and be with them all night!!

The one nurse I later find infact has asthma also and is under same cons as me and also pops by AUK also *happysmiles* and she then said that she has clinic this am and was going to stop via the specialist nurses to vent about the care ive had...did I forget to say that the stupid doc didnt even document any of this in my notes.

Tiredness set in...up all night...epic

Specialist nurses come along and talk to me to try and settle my mind which again is no treatment ive ever had before and i really appreciated it.

An hour later I get changed and I start to notice my arm becoming itchy and red and rashy so I press bell to get nurse...5 mins later Ive gone into yet another full blown anaphylaxis ffs  for stabs later and back to back nebs and im now no longer looking like a sunburnt chipmuck!!

Ive never seen so many people thoigh as they all took it as an oppotunity to whitness the reaction to see what happeneds...i just hope the bloods come back with answers!!

Well thats my excitment for the last few days...I doubt this makes sense as ive not slept since two nights ago, but I can officially say I am both physically and mentally drained *yuk*

Well im off to catch up on some P!nk to be stabbed again in 10 mins as they want more blood, so...

TTFN

XXXX

Well...

Since my recent experience of illness over the weekend im happy to say im feeling better. Still have slight nausea and headache but gar better than before.

Not much has happened though. Just really been sat here...untill today.

I finally got to see my consultant who told me my ph study results from the other week. And he said that my oesophagus is extremely weak and during the 24 hours of having the test it recorded 54 episodes of gastric problems. I only noticed 22 of them. So he will continue at the moment with the gastric meds but in clinic he will talk more so me about surgery. Great hey. He seems to think this could be my main issue for triggoring my asthma.

He has told me that I will be captured untill next thursday at least to which they will continue with the reduction of steroids but I will be on 7.5mg for a very long time. Also he is planning for me to have a couple of tests done next week to determine what it is thats going on so fingers crossed by next week I will have my official diagnosis and we can figure out the best medication long term.

The nurse last night has handed over that the next available cubicle should be mine lol so we will see!!

Sadly not much to say today so ill update you with my reduction progress!!

TTFN

XXXX

The Brummy Weekender

Oh how bored I am!!

Been here 4 days now, watched 16 dvds and munch through have a sweet shop. Ok, so maybe the second bit is a slight fib but sounds good hey!!

Today has been a bit of an exhausting day for some reason, been either sleeping or watching dvds. I wanted to go on a hunt for the dolls houses that are aparently scattered around the hospital, but I failed on that. Who knows, maybe tomorrow!!

Ive had some crappy news from home though that the disabilty team have yet again decided I dont qualify as disabled as can walk 40yards to far...still. I have to admitted im a little upset by this as I feel I should qualify as I am so restricted on what I can do. Everything I am applying for recently I am being turned down for!!

In other notes, ive got the same nurse as last night, and tonight (as they didnt have an emergency the second they walked on shift) she came and sat next to me for a good ten minutes and a natter. She also said she would bring me in some magazines to read tomorrow night as shes on shift again. I have to say, the level of sheer kindness and care up here is outstanding and I am overwhelmed by it as my locals have been so erm CRAP!!

Wow Sunday was a tad exciting. Had a cracking headache that just wouldnt shift no matter what. I was also feeling very tired and sick. After sleeping all day and all night and only waking to have meds, by 6 am Monday morning, things had got far worse.

The vomiting began!!

The docs came and seen me but well lets just say we are not friends. I tried telling him this was my adrenal glands again, but he didnt want to listen and said he wanted to check my aminophylline levels. Not really sure why. Doc just told me that because I wasnt wheezing we are continuing with the steroid reduction. Great.

By 1500 a lovely nurse came and cannualted me as the docs where taking far to long. By 1600 I attempted to have morning meds as had IV antisickness. (Funnily enough just as all this happened, a doc rocked up all cheery saying they have come to cannulate d'oh).

All was great, managed to keep my meds down this time round...so I thought I would take on tea. What an ass!! Bye bye meds lol

Was feeling a little sorry for my nurse as shes the one I had on my first night for ny allergic reaction, and now with the voming. Plus she only qualified 4 months ago!! Think shell hate me by the end of my admission!!

Well thats it for the last few days, never a dull moment hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

The Next Few Days

Sadly because I had had so much IV medication it kinda put the whole reason for me being here in the bin. So I had a set of bloods done and my nitric oxide levels done...the rest of the day consisted of me just sitting around dvd watching.

Atleast my second night was a little more dignified, as in no more allergic reactions, and because I was so exhausted from having no sleep for hours, I nodded off within minutes and the nurses were even kind enough to pull my curtains around me to block out as much light as possible to try not to disturb me. I also only woke twice for extra nebs so all in all a good night.

Day three has been pretty much as day two, but this time, brekkie nurse decided the floor would love a taste in my cereal and accidently dropped it everywhere and I had two sets of bloods and no breathing test. Doctors had said that they wanted me to have one more day to properly recover and tomorrow they will reduce my steroids by 2.5mg and stay at the new dose for a good few days. So far we have been set back roughly 3/4 days which is a slight pain as now I probably wont be able to see Jessie J at her book signing but I guess my lungs are a little more important lol.

I managed to escape for a walk also but as it has been raining ALL day, didnt get very far. My nurse was also a gem and went to the CF unit to get the internet code. Sadly though for some reason the password wont work which is a little gutting.

For now this has been my brummy journey!! Check in with you all in a few more days!!

TTFN

XXXX

Ps this is the view from my bed!!

First Night In The Mad House

And what a night it was.

All was great and going find. Had watched toy story 3 and madagascar chipwrecked and was just settling down when...

My body decided it wanted to have an allergic reaction. So I get jabbed twice with adrenalin, hydro and iv antihistamine. About 4 hours later I can see again and im not a red chipmunk no longer. Untill 7am and I decided to repeat last nights events. The docs then re jabbed me with everything.

All in all, I had four nurse, two junior docs, a reg and and itu docs pay me a visit.

And thats my latest trip to Birmingham hospital!! What fun!!

By nine am, ive had the specialist nurse pay me a visit, the vampire and three other docs just to make sure all is ok and remains dandy.

Only prob is, where as they are meant to b finding the best stable maintenance steroid level for me, that has now gone out the window as the want to wack my steroids up following the reaction. Great hey. Oh and did I forget to mention that the one test they were looking at running today now isnt happening coz im classified as unstable, flaming brilliant!!

My consultant has been informed and they are revising the plan!! Gggrrr

TTFN

XXXX

Well...Im Here

Birmingham came up trumps today and ten days later a bed has become available. A few minutes a flappy packing with my meds, wash kit and essentials such as phobe charger and me and the mother are off.

All was going well, we was going to be at the hospital by around 1600...untill we got to the end of the m5 and four cars decided they wanted to play dodgems and ram each other. So it ended like asda car park-minus the store. A two hour journey then turned into a four hour journey.

We get to the ward and the first three people didnt have a clue who we were. The fourth person did and said "ah yes second bed on left, well the only empty bed" and sent us on our way.

Mum and I then goes back to the car to get the rest of my gear (as remember I could be here for up to two weeks). On walking back into the ward we had a bit of a better reception and actually got introduced by my nurse and shown to my bed...even though we had already been here but ah well lol.

As I had missed tea, they were super lush and went and hunted down some cooked food for me and gave mum a hot drink.

Doc had been and clerked me in and then I asked the nurse for a nebuliser chamber so I could do my meds. To which the nurse said she would set up and I didnt need to do a thing. I was a little shocked to say the least, not used to this service!!

So I kicked back and watched toy story 3!! Lets hope this good service continues!!

Well untill tomorrow peoples!!

TTFN

XXXX

Pet Hates

Most people have pet hates such as not filling up the kettle after youve used it and then emptied it. Not cleaning out the bath once youve used it. If your walking to the kitchen then why not taken your mug with you. You know the trival things that general arnt worth argueing about but really do piss you off.

Recently, other than the above plus a few more, I have grown to have some much larger safari hates, these are:

♡ When people are having a munch, there is no need to make noises, have your mouth open and there is certainly no need to show the world your mashed up meal!! *puke*

♡ Why cant you put your dirty washing in the same washing basket that you have thrown it around or on top of?! Is it really that hard to lift up the lid!?

♡ If youve had an argument with the one parent/house, you dont need to then ring or go around to the other parents house to "cry" the crocodile tears to get all the attention possible. You then also dont need to demand that the "good" parent ring the other parent to make it seem like your the victim!!

♡ Knowing that I am full of a manky cold again, why do you insist on purposly chain smoking two foot away from me!?

♡ I have let you watch your programmes and I sat there in utter silence!! Please can you do the same for me!?

♡ Just because my face seems to be staring at the computer screen, doesnt mean I cant see you...picking your nose and eating it...

The list goes on and on and this is just within the last week - of my step sister being here!!

TTFN

XXXX

Feeling A Little Sorry For Myself

Last week on Monday I was provisionally booked in to the hospital in Birmingham in an attempt to start sorting out my medication and have lots of tests done to see what is making my asthna flare up so bad.

Everyday from Monday to Friday I had the same phone call, sorry no beds as A&E is heaving or just plane sorry theres no beds.
I have to admit im a little sad by this as I had my hopes built up so much that finally we could start getting some answers, but no. Better luck next week hey!! My bags are still packed so the minute that call happeneds we are off!!

In other areas, because the steroids have caused so much harm to my body, a week Thursday ago, I was turning in bed. Yes just turning when I hears a really loud click. Thinking nothing of it I tried going back to sleep. Epic fail there. So I went to the GP on the Friday who thought I ever had free fluid or an infection in my hip so got me to have bloods taken. He also gave me tramadol as im in so much pain and codeine wasnt touching it.

With orders from Fridays GP to attend the surgery on Monday, thats what I did. This GP on the other hand got me attempting lits of different movements with my leg and theb started pulling it in all direction. Ouch that hurt!! Her conclusion is damaged ligaments and cartlidge in my knee which is putting a strain on my hip!! Perfect!! I now have a referal to physio to help buil the strength back up, and hopfully get a support and walking aids if its not to late before I eventually get an appointment.

On the non health front, I am officially screwed with money. I have none left and really dont know what to do. I am giving it a few more weeks for the job centre to pull their fingers out, but if this doesnt happen in time, im going to have to pay a visit to the debt people and get a DRO which basically stop all extra charges for a year to which they then review the situation. It also gives me a bad credit history for six years post the DRO. Not what I want really before I hit 30, but im left with no option!!

In the meantime to make as much money as possible, I am literally spending around 6 hours a day on survey website trying to make as much money as possible. Fingers crossed it helps!!

TTFN

XXXX

Speechless

This time, I decided I wouldn't ramble like I always do. Instead I would make a video!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQUA83aCTJA&feature=plcp

Enjoy!!

TTFN

XXXX

PH To The Rescue

My PH study has been complete. YAY!!

So after a week of being off my gastric medicines to try and get acurate results, I have had heartburn, vomiting, pain in my belly and zero to no sleep, what joys!!

The test itself was a little intense especially as I couldnt have the numbing spray as my body seems to like taking an allergic reaction to it.

All in all, I had to have four tests done and was in the day unit for a little while.

They test dthe strength of my gullet, the strength if the elastic band thing (dont remember the name lol). Erm tested to see if my stomach section takes all the flui I drink and whehther at that point any goes in my lungs and then they did the PH study.

The hardest and most annoying bit was that they used my right nostril for it all as its the biggest and just as they were going to put down the PH probe  my nostril closed over and they had to use my other one. Which is remarkably small and it really hurt.

I looked like the ass of the centry as I couldnt have the good old skin coloured tape as im allergic to that also, so had to have mass loads of mefix!! Yum!!

Over the 24 hours of having it in I managed really well, found ways of eating without it tugging and when I went to bed I found alternative ways of sleeping without tugging the probe or falling asleep on the monitor.

I should hopfully get the results next week in Birmingham as my local consultabt as ask for urgent results to be collated and sent to them which is fab.

I hooe now that they can sort the gastro side of things out meaning my lungs could potentially be a little less stroppy!!

TTFN

XXXX

What An Adventure!!

Its takingnne two days to write this as I didnt want it coming out as complete and utter jibberish!!

So...on Wednesday I got captured AGAIN as my lungs decided they wanted to get angry with me. When I got to A and E, my sats were 70% and my chest was silent. Grand!!

So since Wednesday, I have been in HDU!!

Two night ago I had a horrible nurse who refuses to give me nebs and refuses to follow the plan my consultant made. So as I was getting pissed off, I text mum knowing she wuild kick their arse even if it was 3am. Next thing I know, said nurse comes along throws a neb at me and says dont bother texting your mum again!! What a cheek!!

Yesterday I had just about had enough of everything and wanted to leave. So I packed up my stuff and said I was self discharging.

Next thing I know, I have junior sister, two nurses and a fair few doctors at my bed, holding me back saying I was not well enough to leave and that if I did go, they are 1000% sure I would be back by the night, but not needing my HDU bed but an ITU bed!! Gggrrr

This morning I chuckled, as I got up to go to the loo, my nurse stood on gaurd the whole time questioning where I was going etc when I had finished, I then questioned here - why you watching me like an eagle...her answer "thought you was escaping". My response to her was "I have a mass amount of oxygen blowing at my face and my phone is on my bed, Im going no where lol"

Well that has been my adventures so far. Fun hey!?

Next time you hear from me itll be about my PH study!!

TTFN

XXXX

Lungs...Who Would Have Them!?

So it would seem that 5 brilliant weeks of breathing and semi getting my life back, my lungs on Wednesday decided I had clearly been leading my life to well, and sent me back to hospital.

I just missed ITU again. Aprently (i was told yesterday, that if there wasnt a bed on the respiratory HDU, I was heading to the doom and gloom)

When I arrived my sats on my ABG were sitting nicely at 70%. Great!!

After being drugged right up I wasnon the move to the ward.

I was having a reasonably good say yesterday so thought to ask the docs today if I could try off o2 and they agreed as long as I could maintain my sats. Sounds easy right!?

Few hours later, low and behold the lungs decided other things AGAIN.

This time though it has been bloody hell trying to get a doc, having these killing seasons is a bloody nightmare, it makes things so much harder in emergency situations.

Well by evening I had managed to see a doc, who flapped a little and demanded I put the oxygen back on my face and did more ABG's and drugged me a bit more...oh and re informed ITU things were steadily going down hill again.

I had yet another xray...I swear im going to be glowing soon.

And im now back in puffing away!! The joys!!

Have to be honest tho since ive been here this time around, Ive had the same lush nurse every night which for care is great. I really doc think that these nurses that doo give a hoot should be praised a hell of a lot more often!!

Anywhoo thats me for now!!

TTFN

XXXX

My Reasoning

Picture says it all really lol...or the fact no councillor would have me!!

Joke!! The reason I blog, hmm gets it off my chest without constantly ranting to my friends and family. Instead I can have quality time with them which is more important!!

Plus, when I see my page views feed going up and up and up, it makes me feel that people generally do want to be interested in my life, weirdly enough!!

Oh and it gives me something to do at weird hours when others seem to be doing the natural thing...of sleeping!!

TTFN

XXXX

Mums!!

Recently I have come to realise the importance of my mum!!

Throughout my teenage years I never really connected with my family and I would spend all my time with my friends. I hated being at home, there was always arguments, always shouting and never any loving so to speak.

During my college years my parents split. Where as most kids sre completly devestated with their world being torn apart, I had a sense of relief run throughout my body, no more arguing, YES!!

When I was 17 I decided to move out altogether and live with a "friend" and a few month later mum then moved to a new town.

I saw her about 2/3 times a year if that because of problems I was having with the person I was living with.

When I started to become really poorly with my asthma, my mum would be with me the minute my ass hit the hospital bed and she stayed with me for hours, sometime throughout the night, especially when I have been in ITU.

Roughly a year ago my old consultant told me it was no longer safe for me to live on my own and that I was to move back in with mum. Devestated wasnt the word gor it as I had been living away from my family for 3/4 years or so but I knew it was in my best interest.

Mum still remains by my side when in hospital, every morning she will ring the ward to see how I have been and everyday she would visit.

Since moving back in with mum we have done so much together like going for walks with or without the dogs. Going shopping, having random coffee mornings and I have to say I really love it. I now feel that we have a relationship together like a Mother and daughter should!!

And this is where I have seen the importance of my mum!!

TTFN

XXXX

Weight Gain

Last year I was really proud of myself as I had managed to loose over 2 stone in weight. Ok granted a lot of it was probably through stress and that I didnt really have a huge amount of time to eat.

But this year alone, as in the last 9 months, I have manaed to out all that weight and more back on, but I havnt a clue of what to do. Yes I guess I could cut down on the amount I eat but its hard as even though I tell mum to put less in my plate she doenst seem to want to listen.

With regards to exercise, im taking the dogs out walking daily, but if I try running or swimming (to which Ive done a few times) my lungs just get really angry with me and I have to stop.

I literally dont know what to do anymore. All I know is its getting me down and depressed and im really starting to hate the way I look again, I know if I dont do something about it now, its just going to get worse and make my breathing worse again but this time through weight gain!!

TTFN

XXXX

What Is The Point!?

Wheb I cant sleep at night, do I rummage around, go downstairs and put the tv on as loud as possible and let the puppy run around (without opening the backdoor) or do I remain in my bed, turn in my lap and read my kindle!?

Yup you got it, I do the second one.

So why is it that every time my mums partners cant sleep he does the first one!? Not only that, but after waking me and then the puppy come into my room making a fuss, I needed a wee, so off I go, to then stand in a shit that the puppy laid outside my room!! Lets just say I was highly un amused!!

I just dont get it!! As well as all the above, it seems that it always happens when I say the night before that Im massively exhausted, funny that!!

So today, im even more exhausted, and my god isnt he going to know it as I will make a point of being a grumpy ass with him!! He will learn!!

TTFN

XXXX

The Pup

About 5 weeks ago mum decided she was going on holiday in the caravan. Towards the end if the 10 days she rand me like a big kid saying guess what I just got. To be honest I hadnt a clue. So after lots and lots of wrong guessing, mum gave in and told me it was a pup!!

She was 7 weeks when mum came back hone and bloody lush!!

I keep forgetting what her exact breed is but I know she is a westie cross.

Mum wanted a Cornish name for as its where she came from. So shes naned Mowsle, which is the same as the little town Mousehole in Cornwall but mum didnt want it spelt the same.

We have just started taking her out for walks as shes had all her jabs and she loves it, and loves eating her lead along the way.

So far she responds really well to her name, sits and ive also taught her to kiss when you ask her to. I will be teaching her more and more also haha.

Enough of me yabbing about her, here is some pictures.

TTFN
XXXX

The System

I have to admit, Im feeling a little let down by the system at the moment.

There are all those people out there that seen to get every benefit going, and everything they could ever wish for. Me on the other hand, is still on the assessment phase of ESA (a year later may I add), and im still, 3 months later being assessed for DLA. Other than that I aparently dont qualify for anything else as Im either ni pregnant, not of ethnic minority nor have any current children.

I feel this is a little unfair as, 1-if i was to get pregnant, not only would I put my own health at risk but also the babies. 2-there is no way even if I had a child I could survive on benefits either and 3-surly UK citizens should get first dibs on any money available likewise for accomadation!?

I currently get £53 a week!! Yup thats it, and as my current outgoings are £50 phone bill, £85 car insurance, £100 storage company, and £70 credit card bill, my income doesnt even cover that, let alone petrol and shopping. Also if I was having to pay for my medications I would be screwed. Somehow, the government thinks I can survive on that £53 a week-id like to see them try!!

Todays rant over :-)

TTFN

XXXX

Thinking...

"The process of using one's mind to consider or reason about something"

Recently, this definition has really been bugging me. When most people think, they tend to end with a conclusion whether it be good, bad or ugly is a different matter. My thinking on the other hand, never seems to end with anything but tears. Now I have no idea if this is the medication im on sending my mind barmy or whether I am finally breaking down and going into a depressive spiral. (Please people dont be put off an stop talking to me now, I need folk like you.)

It firstly relates to my step family, they have got to be the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. You know the back ground from previous posts such as the smoking - well thst continues. There has also been recently where I have been super exhausted, so I tell them im going to bed early. There response to this (sunday night) stay up till midnight in lounge with tv as loud as possible. [Loung under my room], to which at 1am my step sister decides she is going to bed. BUT WAIT she thinks that now is a good time to rumnage in the airing closet outside my bedroom for 20mins picking her beding, and then the next half hour making her bed. Productive time for me as instead of sleeping I went ebay shopping.
Low and behold at 3am, my lung chuck their usual strop so im awake again.
To top Sunday night off, at 0530 my step dad now decides he cant sleep, so goes down stairs. Yeah thats great, apart from he also thinks it a wise idea to let the puppy out the kithen = puppy in charlies room!! FFS an even more knackered me!!

Monday I make it very know how unimpressed I was and resorted into a 13 year old who had just started her period and her hormones were all over the place. 2030 I try the scenario again "im shattered, im going to bed, please try and keep the noise down"
2100-step sis thinks it a brite idea to go into her room with her boyfriend and re arrange it. GREAT!!
2230, said people now thinks it a great idea to eventual move back down stairs making whale noises along the way!! God save me.
2300, said step sis's boyfriend (who left 20mins ago) thinks its an amazing hiur to ring the landline (to which a phone is in my room) and then have a convo for the next friggin hour. Result - very loud talking/laughing/argueing.
Eventually i got to sleep around 4 after realising no point in going to sleep untill middle of night nebbing session.

Now does all of the above seem like ive got stressed for no reason at all, or would you equally be majorly hacked off!? On a good note, said step sister, has happily jogged off back to ber mothers now!! YIPPI!!

The other massive thing I have been thinking about, is that my best friend who I have known for 16 years has been going through a little rough patch again, and where as before I lived 2 minutes away and I would pop round or go for a walk/drive etc make her happy or smile atleast through an act of stupidness/sillyness or by a random joke, this isnt as easy as before and I fell like im not supporting her as much/as well as what I did. Granted Im always at the end of a phone and I will happily text throught the night/day if I know it is supporting her. But With being over 50miles away, it just doesnt feel the same. I want to be the friend I was. I know she would probably say I was and more but I cant see that.

Instead of me acting on all of the above, I cant seem to process it in my head through that "thinking" action. It seems silly as it is such a natural thing to do, but I just dont seem to be coming up with any conclusions...

...I just seem to cry!!

TTFN

XXXX

Another One I Hear You Say!?

So a week later my body decided it wanted to have yet another allergic reaction.

Thankfully this one wasnt an anaphylactic, but I still need to see on call doc, who also decided to tell me, the site for the reaction is also infected.

So the little bleeder of a midgy that bit me past on some manky germs when deciding to still me blood. Why I thank you so much!!

I  guess that was their form of payment!!

TTFN

XXXX

I Just Dont Get It

No matter how many times we tell him not to smoke by me or in the same room as me it just doesnt sink in.

What my brain fails to understand is why he doesnt give a hoot!! He knows the seriousness of my asthma and that I was on a ventilator last year, plus his brother was poorly with asthma when he was young, yet he still persists on smoking next to me.

Its worse when my mum isnt in the house, he suddenly starts chain smoking. I try my best not to have extra nebs on these occasions though as the side effect are hell!!

I have no idea what to do and I really cant take it anymore.

My consultant is telling me Im still not safe enough to be living solo, not only this, but I still cant get a job because of my lungs so there is no way I could afford my own place again!!

I dont want to keep moaning at mum about what he is doing, but im sure its not fair.

Im literally pulling my hair out becuase of it. I spend most of my time isolated in ny room, and when im not there, hes questioning my mum when am I going out, when am I going to bed etc etc just to get me out the living room so he can smoke!!

Before I had to give up my flat in February (officially) but moved in last September, mum sat him down, explained everything and he said he would support and not snoke near me etc etc...well it seems he has done the complete reverse of it!!

Well, I guess I should stop ranting now!!

TTFN

XXXX

Ps, this photo is how I feel in image form.

The Story Of The Wart, Part Three

I went back to the nurse yesterday to which she said "ah thats a bit of a big blister" (that was post the erm, what can I do for you!? With my response being -u booked me in last week for a follow up).

Back to the wart...

The nurse decided to tell me that I was to go home and pop the blister to which the skin would fall off taking most of the wart with it. So I questioned about the fact I was on steroids and had been for ages and she said that wouldnt effect anything.

My thoughts-never pop a blister!!

Sadly, my blister had other ideas and today decided to pop itself. With it being natural though I was happy.

A few hours later, yes the skin did fall, taking most of the wart with it (thank god as it was LARGE!!)

Unfortunatly though, with the wart being disturbed, what was left off it had decided to start bleeding. Four hours later, it is still bleeding, so ive now pressure dressed it and have my poorly toe high in the sky!!

Morale of the story - despite a lady at the GP surgery being a nurse, trust your instinct when you know disturbed warts dont like long term steroid use.

Heres hoping it doesnt make my anemia any worse!!

TTFN

XXXX

Exhausted.com

Resently I have been feeling so exhausted it is unbelievable. I have no idea whether it is being on such hi dose steroids for so long, whether im brewing something, if my body doesnt like the heat and generally all of it in one.

Either way, all I want to do is sleep and I dont like it!!

TTFN

XXXX

My Crafty Side

During May time I ended up having a massivly long admission for stroppy lungs. As I was getting stupidly bored, mum thought she would be clever and get me something to do  this resulted in a tapestry.

I decided to make it my stroppy lung project so that each admission I had, I would have something to do. This failed.

As a result it has taken me up until now to complete the task. And took a total for £80 out of my bank though the tapestry itself, material and funky wool. ( the last two items I didnt actually need, but me being me, I wanted to make it into a pillow)

So all that said, here is the finished result. To which I LOVE IT!!

Thank you mother B-)

TTFN

XXXX

The Story Of The Wart, Part Two

Two days after my wart thing had been attacked by the lady in the doctors surgery, my toe is in bloody agony, and sore all over, even in areas that doesnt look touched!!

Well the blisters are a little worse and the skin around it is rather red. Ouch!!

Well, heres a picture for 3/4 days later...4 days untill next photo lol enjoy!!

TTFN

XXXX

Is Now A Member Of The Epi Pen Crew

Whilst at bibic yesterday I noticed that my arms were starting to blister and get super busy. I tried getting hold if the GP thinking lets be good and get it sorted before anything major happends, when low and behold...sorry we have no appointments.

Thinking sod it see how it goes and ring up for an appointment in the morning if its still there or got worse.

By about 2130 my face was starting to become itchy and burning so I though go do evening meds and settle down for the night.

Maybe I should stop thinking so optimistically as in the time of me doing my meds, my face was starting to balloon.

Off to minor injuries I go, to be told Im not critical and wait for the out of hours GP who will rock up about 2330. By which point my tongue and lips was starting to balloon even more. The GP then jabbed my ass with lots of drugs and also gave me 50mg of pred...yuk

For some stupid reason though, things decided to get worse and I was put into an ambulance and off to the local hossie for me being jabbed with adrenaling and nebulsied along the way. Joyful!

Oh and did I forget to mention, a night in hossie!!

Well good job I was admitted as by the time all the drugs had started fading out, I was going into another full blown anaphylaxis and boy ive never seen a doctor act so quickly in all me life. Being jabbed left right and cetre again and more nebulisers, an hour and a half later things finally started to settle.

To which the doc said "can I be honest with you" - yeah course..."I was generally scared with how quickly that reaction took place despite all the other meds you had had and he wasnt sure what to do next if things wasnt to settle". Me-well I didnt notice you was scared so fair play to you and you did and amazing job.

He sat with me nearly the whole time of me being poorly and then kept checking up on me.

He was mega excited and started calling everyone possible to look at my tongue at how un fat it now was.

After he handed over to the day staff I thanked him again and he ended his shifter mega happy...

...and I ended my day a newly qualified member of the epi pen crew!!

TTFN

XXXX

The Story Of the Wart...

There once was a wart, that caused no harm or hassle, and then it grew into a super wart haha

A year later I decided to finally get it sorted and visited the nurse and my doctors surgery.

I tolerate two zaps of her super sonic meanie spray and was a wimp and said no more lol.

A few hours later my foot was in bloody agony. Blistered, red and hurting. I felt like a massive baby!!

The blistering has spread further down my toe and foot, to which I have found out the reason for this is becuase the nurse missed and hit my good skin...ouch

So heres the result haha.

Chapter two will be here next Tuesday lol with nore picture haha

TTFN

XXXX

Job Centre...Nit Wits!!

I have been on Employment Support Allowance (ESA) now since last August, and this has been on the induction rate. After ringing at least 3/4 times a month already, Today I had just about had enough!!

I rang the job centre first who said the system had still not been updated and were about to hang up, to which I told her I wanted the number of the company who they were waiting for information from.

After ringing Attos and being told, I  shouldn't have been referred to them, and that my GP had been fab and sent a report back within a week, I was then told I had to ring back the Job Centre as they had screwed up.

So I rang back the Job Centre and told them that they had screwed up by referring me to the wrong person. The lady at the end of the phone was ultimately pissed at me telling her that she had screwed up and told me to repeat to her what they had said. She then told me I had to sit and wait for the outcome, to which my answer was, has she ever tried living on £50 a week, and was she going to start paying off my debts" to which she said no. I also told her it was about time that she done the job she was being paid for instead of me having to chase every one on the stupid 0800 expensive numbers.  Back to Attos I go, to which they said that they can see why I was so frustrate, and should hear a finally answer by the end of the month, I asked him for his word on this (as I knew the call would be recorded) and I took him name.

Fingers crossed, I hear something soon.

Next up, DLA. tried having the cocky man at the end of the phone tell me I needed to allow up to 12 weeks. I gave him the date that the form got sent in and his answer was "oh...ah...this is the 12 week, apologies there " ass...all in all, I have apparently been on the urgent answers required list, and I should hear something within 10 days!! (if not, back on the blower I go lol)

Until next time lol

TTFN

XXXX

Appointments, Appointments, Appointments!!

Three appointments, this week, and how unexciting have they been!!

Firstly there was my GP on Monday as I had such a rubbish weekend with my lungs, to which he wants yet another sputum sample to be sent. I also asked him I if he had any other answers as to why I was anaemic, and he seems to think that it could be the hernia of mine, but sadly he said there wasn't a chance in hell that he was referring me to have a camera put down my stomach at the moment with the state of my lungs. How very kind of him.

Tuesday I was back at the doctors to see the nurse this time, as I have a wart type thing on my toe, and I was having it zapped as it was starting to really hurt and er get a little large!

Today I have had the adventures of my lung clinic. Lets just say the attitude has change a little to "ah well, Birmingham are to make all the decisions now unless you are acutely unwell" - So when my ENO came back at 170 (which would explain why I feel mega pants) his attitude was, we will see if you become critically unwell, and if you do then we will admit you, in the mean time increase your steroids!! Oh for goodness sake, lets hope the increase steroids help me out a little.

So there is my appointments for this week, just fracture clinic to go next week and Job is sorted for a little while!!

TTFN

XXXX

Happy Chappy

On a happy note, for once a member of my step family have shown they actually care about me...

Ok granted it was via their fiance, but they asked me how i was feeling and how my appointment in Birmingham went the other week.

Once I explained it all to them, they then asked questions about long term events for me and ask whether any operations or treatments could help me lead a normalish life.

When I was talking to mum after I said to her how happy it made me feel knowing that atleast one of the 9 generally gives a hoot about me!! Now just for the other 8 to pick up in their brain cells!!

So a happy me for tonight!!

TTFN

XXXX

There's Ups And There's Downs!!

Following my weekend of trying to get all the right information processed into my head, on Tuesday I was feeling a little down, needed to get out and about and wanted to have some company, and I knew that with mum being on a four day straight in work, I wouldn't get it, so I got on the train to Bristol and decided to stay  with my friend around the chew valley area.

It started off fantastic, she picked me up from the train station which I thought was super lush and we went for a walk around the local countryside getting some much needed fresh air and walking the dogs.

Wednesday on the other hand start off a little rough, for some reason I clearly had done something wrong as my friend started jumping down my throat!! Thankfully that didn't last long and we headed off to Warminster and visited a National Trust site called Stour head, and the ground and house were stunning!! yet again we managed to get lost and somehow managed to leave the grounds and find ourselves stranded in the middle of a field!! After about an hour of us realising we were in fact lost, we decided to head back the way we came and managed to get back on to the right track.

Thursday I had just about had enough of being shouted at and told off like I was five...I was in the kitchen and there was music on (plus the fact that I am partially deaf) and my friend was trying to call me, to which I heard something but said back for her to wait a second as I couldn't hear a word she was saying...next thing I know, she is stomping into the kitchen shouting at me for purposely ignoring her when she has just had a phone call and has to rush round to hers nan's---er sorry, but I did day I couldn't hear you!! argh
An hour later when she got back and I was having a wee, she apparently knocked on the door, and because I didn't stop weeing and answer the door straight away that was wrong as well!! I mean, what would you  do, carry on peeing or assume they would get their keys out of their back and let themselves in (to which she ended up doing)
All in all, I was getting pissed off and and thought we either needed to get out, or she needed to drop me round to my dads as the reason for me coming to Bristol was to get away from hassle and enjoys the space!!
We ended up going to a woodland in Frenchay area which turned out to be rather nice and chilled...untill my lungs decided they wanted to have an attack - in the middle of the woods...needles to say I freaked a little as wasn't sure what we would do if in ended up need hospital help!!

Finally getting to my dads that night, I spent a few hours with him, and then he dropped me back to the train station for the home straight.

Mum then decided to drop the bombshell on me about the news my sister had whilst I was away and that she is mega poorly and its going to effect her and any children that she may want to have in the future...friggin great hey, could we have much more crap thrown out us recently!!

Today I went to bibic again, but could only manage a few hours, my lungs following my attack yesterday are yet again not happy, and I think I am re brewing the infection that wont shift. So naturally I ring up the GP and ask for an appointment and their answer was, if its an emergency I can offer you an appointment if not you'll have to wait till Monday...to which I replied, If it was to turn into an emergency, I wont be waiting, ill be going to the hospital, she was not impressed with my answer!!

So all in all, the week that was meant to be nice and relaxing turned out to a heck of a week that was more stressful than anything!!

Here's to next week being a little better, even with my three appointments I have to endure!!

On a good note though, I have received the medi alert card from Brum to carry on me for what treatment I need if I was to present to a Hospital, that reassured me!! - Oh and my mum loved her presents that I got her from stour head!!

Well, here's to next week being a little better, I'm sure ull find out soon enough!!

TTFN

XXXX