I Need Your Help!!

On the 13th of February 2013 a few of us will be doing a sponsored walk in Cornwall. We are raising money for the charity Asthma UK.

My girlfriend came up with the idea a few weeks ago, and I said I will tag along to support her. This will be a massive challenge for me in particular because of my asthma and newly diagnosed muscle weakness, but I am positive about it and I will be doing it....BUT we need your support!!

Here is the just giving page, any amount can help!!

https://www.justgiving.com/sophie-hockaday

TTFN

XXXX

Ubber Cool Weekend!!

Recently myself and the mother have been spending lots and lots of time together which so super lush!!

This weekend we went to Cadbury Garden Centre, had a gander around all their Christmas decorations (spent far to much money yet again) and then shared a scone and had a yummy toffee nut latte from starbucks...mmmmmmm

Once that little adventure was over we went and paid a visit to a friend of my mums who she hasnt seen in a blinking long time, and from what I could tell, she had a thoroughly good day which is great!!

Well, then it was an early night for me as I had to be up at a crazy hour to drive to Exeter to meet the other half!!

Although it was crappy weather the day was bloody amazing, I started the day off.by deciding not to use my sat nav and got lost *twit*. Then I could fond the right car park, and low ans behold, I then got re lost trying to fins the museum, *DoubleTwit* to which I finally found, half hour later.

The whole day consisted of visiting the museum, having a walk around a stunning park *RaindropDodging*, having lunch in Marks and Sparks and then shopping!! A great day that I really did enjoy, yay!!

Well that sums up my little weekend, Im all smilies and super happy, life couldnt be better (forgetting about my cruddy health of course)

TTFN

XXXX

My Adventure To Birmingham

Birmingham was on Wednesday, and wow what an adventure it was.

We didnt think at first that we would make it, with all the rain we had just missed the flooding in the next town down and within 2 junctions we had just passed 3 smashed up cars. With setting off at 8 AM *yawn* we made it to Birmingham by about 11ish I think...thank goodness for my road trip selection on the ipod.

The craft section of the German market we decided to visit was lush. Mum got a bag with her birthday money from nan, and I got some super ace rose lights. Sadly though as I took so long with walking we had to leave the rest and go to my appointment at Heartlands, but mum was cool and took me back for the rest after...which took we even longer to walk around. I got some amazeballs gingerbread, pretzles and nuts though mmmmmmmm.

My Sexy Rose Lights

My ubber lush pretzle

Fantastic Lights

Ok so the main point of this blog: Heartlands. A bit of mixed emotions about it if I must say. Not sure whether its good or bad really!!

Long story short, they basically wont let me stop any medications still, but have increased my antihistamine yet again and started more antibiotics. They are refusing to let me have surgery on my stomach to stop my reflux untill my lung function is a lot better. Im being tested for something called steroid myopathy so that could be interesting. Want me to send off yet more gunk to see if they can grow anything. Im also being told they are keeping a close eye on me so I have to go back again within 8 weeks-oh and my observatios where shocking and they wouldnt take me just walking ip the stairs as an excuse, damn . (Atleast theres and excuse to go shopping in Birmingham hey!!)

I think thats what they mainly said, its still a little muffled in my brain with it being to much to take in again.

TTFN

XXXX

What A Blinking Day Hey!!

When I woke up this morning, I was in a good mood, I was happy, cheery and ready for the day a head...and then I went down stairs, bad move I say!!

My now ex stepdad was sat in the lounge with mum, and as he was getting ready to sod off to work, he was ranting away...about me!!

He told my mum how its my fault he is in debt, because he has had to spend out extra money on food and bills etc and im not paying him anything. (may I add here that I still get no finacial help, Im still not allowed to work, and when I do have a bit of money, I get my own bit of food and I always give mum any spare bit of cash I have) so yes this majorly upset me as hes not my dad, I have a perfectly good dad but u fortunatly he lives 50miles away from me and works all hours so it wasnt suitable for me to move in with him!!
Once he had said this, he then blames the above situation on not being able to pay mum back!!
He also then went on to say he is spending much needed cash on hospital car parks...for one im sorry I have to go to so many clinics and my asthma is so uncontrolled at the minute, and secondly, he has never once visited me whilst I have been an inpatient so I dont have a clue what he is yabbing about!!

Todays second horrid moment was when I got to physio, they discharged me from the knee clinic from the injury I sustained, but have admitted me to the muscle weakness section. my physiotherapist has express large concerns about my lack of muscle mass. He has said that the steroids are having a huge effect on them and said my muscles are basically none existant!! I now have to go weekly for the next six weeks. He didnt even want me to wait till my appointment in Birmingham on Wednesday. Though he also mentioned that the physio may not actually do much whilst im still on the steroids, if anything what may happen is the wasting will just slow down a little. My response to that-its better than nothing being done at all!!

The third and final cruddy moment for today is that when I get back from physio, the prat I mentioned above decided to say to me "so you actual found your muscles now and stop being lazy". This really hurt me, as I havnt chosen to be like this, yes it has made me whole I am today but if i had healthy lungs and could be like any other 21 year old, I would certainly choose that path!!

 Just because him and my mum have split, does it really give him the right to treat me this way, talk to me like he does and actually make me feel rubbish!?  because in my eyes, no one should make anyone feel like that!!

On a good note, Birmingham on Wednesday, with a trip around the German market!! Quality time with the mother!!

TTFN

XXXX

Finally!!

I guess it's about time that I told the blogging world as my family, friends and facebook world know about it...

Remember the lush new girl I was telling you all about not so long ago, well we can officially call her my Girlfriend now, and I'm absolutely over the moon.

Short, Sweet and Happy but I just had to shout it to the world!!

TTFN

XXXX

Just Giving!!

I have to say since being on the Asthma UK forum and Facebook page, I have met some amazing people, made some amazing friends that will stay with me forever and I'm now going to get stuck in and help these people I have met!!

Recently I put a post on their Facebook page mentioning that I wanted to start helping with fundraising, and within a few days I had a reply...and to be honest I was a little shocked, as I didn't think that anyone actually would!!

Well, shall I cut to the chase!?

Basically, someone called Daniel Brookes contacted me saying that he was about to embark on a huge challenge!!

He is going to run the London Marathon next year!! Yes the whole wacking 26.2 miles...and he also has bad Asthma as a result of a nasty work related incident. He truly in showing that it can be done, an inspiration to other I say!!

Please can you spare a second to give a donation via his just giving page (https://www.justgiving.com/Daniel-Brookes1) No matter how large or small the donation is, its going to do wonders for the charity that has helped both Dan and I plus many others!! Oh and remember to hit the Gift aid button if your a tax payer, lets make the government give something back for us!! 

Here is the link again:

https://www.justgiving.com/Daniel-Brookes1

Do your part for this amazing person who cares so much for a charity that helped him out when he needed it most!!

I wanna see some donating going on c;

TTFN

XXXX

What A Turn Around!!

Happy Happy Happy!!!

I say this in one breath because the super lovely girl that I have been getting on really well with and who I have huge feelings for has decided that she wants to take things to the next step and be my Girlfriend, so I'm happy to say that I am officially off the radar, yay!! I really can't believe that I could like anyone again, especially after the way my last girlfriend treated me!! But sticking with the positivity, and fingers crossed things continue to go as well as the are!!

Sad Sad Sad!!!

In the other breath, I'm mega sad as on Saturday night my mum and step dad split, and he was being super nasty to her and was stressing her right out, so I packed the car, took my rabbit and the pup to my sisters, and gave my fish a holiday block and I drove myself and my mum to Manchester to stay with my Nan for a few days. Just got back today, and I am bloody knackered, and the atmosphere is well SHIT!!

I got upset as whilst mum popped out for two seconds, all his ids came around and started slagging off me and mum, yet we really don't understand what we have done wrong. What have we done to deserve this?! It makes no sense at all!!

Tomorrow me and mum are ringing citizens advice to find out how quickly we can get out of this house as my lungs for one are super twitchy already and mum is coming out is nasty rashes so it really isn't fair on us at
all!!

So a breath of two halves I say!!

Oh and its mummykins Birthday tomorrow, so I am taking her to Street hopefully to spend some good quality time with her and then in the evening, myself and my sister and her boyfriend are taking her bowling, we are refusing to let these people spoil her day!!

Well, quick catch up from me!!

TTFN

XXXX

My Memories Suite - www.MyMemories.com

I have been contacted by a company called "My Memories Suite",  and it is a fantastic software, where you can make Scrapbook Layouts, Photo Books, Card, Videos and More. It really is a fantastic software. 

With being a little bit of a technical geek, and really loving any opportunity to edit and play with any of my photos, I thought this was a fantastic chance to sit back and explore, and man didn't I love it, I was hooked!!

Here are some screen shots of me using the software to actually show you how simple and easy it was to use and make a pretty nifty unique Birthday Card using one of the set designs within the software.

First, using the huge amount of choice, select any template that you find will match your idea.

You can then add and remove any similar templates that you can play around with if you don't like your initial design.

Take the opportunity to choose either manual or automatic photo upload.

At the bottom of the screen you can flick through each of the designs to look on big screen which one appeals to you the most.

On the right hand side, click the little camera icon to upload bring forward all your photos in your desktop folder. Than click on each empty photo shadow on your template and click on the photo you would like to go in there, and wow your photo has transferred over.

Finally on the right hand side you can then edit any photos (straighten up the photo into the box, change it from square to circle and move any extra wispy bits), text or colourings to suite you and  template is then customised.

Make sure you save your template and you can access it in the future!!

 I hope that these simple easy steps persuade you to get the software just like I did!!

Any queries, please leave me a comment below!!

If you would like to get this software I have a link to the right of my blog, simply just click on it and you will go straight to the official and genuine website where you can browse and explore the whole range of fantastic products!!

TTFN

XXXX

Never Again I Hope, Yuk!!

I was literally just sat there, I hadn't moved, touched anything or touched them yet my eyes randomly started to burn. I ended up not being able to see.

Mum guided me to the kitchen and I chucked water all over them for a few minutes, still no better though. What could it be, what had I got in my eyes that could burn so badly!?

As it wasn't improving mum took me to our local community hospital at the end of out road. By point of arrival not only were my eyes literally burning, but my face also decided it wanted to go bright red and start swelling. We knew what was happening now, I was having an allergic reaction.

Wet towel over my eyes to cool them down, we were sat in the waiting room.no more than a few minutes and were called straight in....sorry to all those who had been there a while.

A quick history (as not my usual main hospital, its more like a minor injuries unit and then the medic looked at my face. Straight away he went off and from what I could hear had brought back with him lots of stuff.

In went the cannula (after fishing - again), hydro and antihistamine. Next came some anti eye burning drops. The a quick check of my bloody pressure, pulse and sats and a physical listen to my chest. Then the second lot of eye drops, these ones were antihistamine eye drops (didn't even know that existed). Thankfully by the time all this had kicked in, and it was about an hour later once the medic had come back and reviewed, I started to look a little less like a sunburnt chipmunk (Theodore to be exact) and a little more like me again. We had to wait a few more hours though until I was back to near life form before I was let out the door. Oh and a quick check.of my peak flow to make sure the lungs were OK!!

What a fun and unexpected night that was!!

Oh and did I mention in the time of us being there, a lady come in who had a needle stick injury - 4 hours before, a man came in who cut his leg open on a rusty nail - 1 week before, a little boy decided he wanted to cut his head open on the coffee table, an old lady decided she wanted to have an argument with the kirb, a young girl decided she wanted to have a sky high temperature and two people came back up to either have a dressing changed or to start and antibiotic for their leg that grew something funky on a swab!! I find it weird what people rock up with, and also amazing how your other sense kick in and become stronger when you loose one!!

Thankfully, I can see again this morning, I just have super itchy eyes!!

TTFN

XXXX

Reality

Since my last post I have had a few friends contact me or talk to me about it, and they have said some lovely things which really has shown me that people do actually care!!

I also had clinic today and wow wasnt that exciting.

I have to yet again increase my steroids as my lung functions are in my boots and I have hardly any air entry. My sats were also 89% whoops!!

My consultant has said that I am not well and tried to admit me but I pleaded with her as since september Ive not really been at home. Which was when we agreed on upping steroids.

She also said that she has had PALS on the phone after mum rang them about being kicked out of hospital when I was so poorly. She was also shocked to hear that I had had so many IVs and landed in Intensive care again and agrees that i should not have been sent home and my mum told to look after me on hourly nebs. So she has said she will investigate and contact the other hospital to get a clearer picture and get back to me.

It seems weird to hear my consultant be so nice, it has taken a while but locally I have to say she has been one of the best ive had!!

I guess it does help me being honest with her as I told her that being sent home on hourly nebs scared me to hell!!

on happy notes, I mentioned in my last post that there was a new girlie in my life and well we are meeting up officialy on the 25th (as lung as im well because of my crappy lungs) Im so excited!!

Also, just to touch on it, the horrid thoughts have subsided for now. Wonder if this is because life is on the up again!? who knows!!

TTFN

XXXX

Brain...Thinking = Scary!!

Recently I've been thinking a lot and it has been bringing back some bad memories. In my last post I mentioned/touched about the thoughts I've been having but I never really explain why I had them in the past. I said I think its the steroids but the problem is I'm still on that high dose and I'm going to be for a while and these silly thoughts keep creeping up on me.

Well, tonight I have figured enough is enough, my parents kind of know what has gone on with me but to be honest we haven't really spoke about it. So now I feel it maybe time to let it out all out altogether and I'm sorry if any of my friends read this and it changes the way you think of me or in fact you decide you don't want to talk to me again or be my friend. To be truthful though if you don't want to know me once you read this then I guess your not a true friend after all and Ill stick with the people who will stand by me. So if it turns out you are one of these people, well, goodbye and thanks for chatting...

...Right now to get to the point of this blog.

So basically, for a very long time I have been questioning who I am and what I want, but this has just been to myself, and I've never really spoken to anyone about it until recently. 

Things naturally progressed and life carried on...great. Until I was 17 and a person who I had thought was a very close friend who I laughed with lots and helped out with their little girl and spent lots of time with came onto me. I was very shocked to say the least as its not what I expected and didn't know how I felt...because she was a girl. As mentioned above, I've always questioned things but never really explored. 

Once all the shock had passed with the fact that she had just kissed me, I guess in my head that it clicked that yes this is who I may be but with still being young it was all still very confusing. 

Initially I never told my mum and when I moved in with this girl I just told people I was moving in to help out financially. 

So many people had asked me if we were together but I had to say no as she wasn't ready to come out to the world (yet she made the first move. So as your probably guessing, yup this was confusion number two for me)

A year after we were together and she started getting bored. She started to become abusive. It started with just throwing things and then moved on to throwing things at me, then to hitting me. During the next year of  me stupidly staying with her as she "promises she wont do it again" I had been punch, kicked, pushed down stairs, bite, attempted strangulation, and also had her daughter taught to hit me also. Yes I know your probably all thinking why an earth did she stay...Well to be truthful once your in that situation it really isn't all that easy to get out. I tried to talk to the police but they wouldn't listen. I so tried to tell friends I thought I trusted but because our friends were joint, they always believed her as they would ask her daughter who would always lie. Thankfully on the strangulation attempt I drove straight to one of the peoples houses who I trusted and showed them my neck to prove things.  This work for a little while and I was believed...Until round 50+ of the punch round and because on this one occasion I hit back I was suddenly the baddie...how could I possible hit someone!? 

So, September 2010 I had made the decision that I was finally getting out. This was helped by the fact I bad been punched in a visual place, had my ribs broken and had been ran over...I was getting out, by taking an overdose. All I remember about it was texting my step mum saying that all was OK and that I wasn't now having to take an emergency bed up in their home yet again. For some reason she didn't like the sound of the text, left work early can came flying around to the house. My breathing was pretty much non existant and I was very very drowsy.

I took 80+ paracetamol and 30+ co-codamol. If my step mum had of ignored my text, I would have got what I wished for...FREEDOM!!

After staying in hospital for a few nights needing medication and to speak to psychology, I left hospital. I managed to persuade the psych team that as it was my first suicide attempt it was a one off and as a result I didn't need a follow up.

I had to have 3 months off work to sort things out and make sure I was mentally stable enough to work back on the ward. During this time I had found that there were a few members of staff there that I was to become good friends with and I confided in them and told then some of what was going on and the reasons why. This turned out to be fantastic as on at least two occasions after I endured a beating, I could leave and meet up with them. Even if at 3am in the services station.  Your probably thinking, hang on why she still getting beatings when she escaped post her overdose, well stupidly I went back. I forgot to mention that whilst I was in hospital this particular girl had rocked up to the hospital and in my dozy state had told me it was my fault she done it and that things would be better now as I would see sense. So even when my dad picked me up I still refused to go home with him and I was to go home with her.

In February I finally decided enough was enough and I was actually getting out. I couldn't cope so when she was in work I grabbed all my stuff and chucked it in my car and drove to my dads. Yes I no longer had to deal with the torture...physically. As the bitch still kept mentally bullying me. She would hack my facebook and text me at all hours. Being the bigger person I ignored them and 6 months later she gave up and left me alone.

Starting to get things back on track and all was great.

I still had a this in my mind as you cant just delete it from your brain, and then .y asthma started flaring up again and I was becoming brittle for round 2. Seriously how much more can my body cope with...

With my past, my lungs, not being able to work, loosing my job altogether, loosing my college course, loosing my home, getting into debt and having no income my brain starting ticking again and I have attempted to escape. None have been as bad as before and Ive never gone to hospital as a result, but yes I have taken further overdoses.  I just don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I am refusing to go to the doctors to declare I am depressed as I don't want to have to start happy pills. I have seen many people take them and to be honest as of yet I have never seen anyone any happier whilst taking them.

Last week I started planing another suicide attempt. I was in ITU  for my asthma and I decided enough was enough, I don't want this life any more. It sucks. I figured I was on the organ donation register, lets give life to someone who generally wants it. I guess in my mind the only reason these thought have jumped back at me is because I am still in debt, I still cant get into University and...there is this girl down in Cornwall who we have grown very close to and I guess I'm scared that it'll be the same scenario as before. Also, to me, I am still very confused with what I want and who I want to be. I'm worried my family wouldn't accept me and I'm worried Ill make a mistake again...I have spoke to my best friend about my confusion, she accepts me and has helped me the best she can, but I guess that does make the answer any easier to interpret and act upon.

So ending all would be so much easier.

Why does life have to be so hard!?

Why does life have to be so stereotypical!?

Why can't life just flow and everything be happy!?

I will apologise again for this post, especially if its all over the place and doesn't make huge amount of sense, but I know in my mind I have tried to do something about my thought, and this post has been wrote over three days and nights.

I have also been scared about pressing publish as I don't want to loose any friend, especially over the gay/bisexual scenario!! Well I really hope I don't anyway because I guess I'm not going to change who I am to please anyone else when I'm struggling so much to please myself!!

I could keep writing/ranting/thinking but I guess until I hit publish, I haven't a clue if this post is going to have been a good think or not.

Again I'm sorry if this shocks anyone and causes a block aid between us!!

TTFN

XXXX