Friday, 23 October 2015
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Thursday, 15 October 2015
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Monday, 27 April 2015
Not sure if you can remember from my last blog but a lot has been happening since i have been admitted to the Mental Health unit.
Ive finally managed to drop my twat of a consultant and have one who actually give a flying feck abd has actually got the ball rolling on things
2 weeks ago he started me on a medication callee sertraline. Sadly after 2 doses i had to stop as it really messaed my heart up. I have though been put on another mesication called matazapien! (Sorry about spelling,dyslexia sucks). At the beginning it was great, really noticed a difference in my sleep pattern in particular but annoyingly its no longer happening. Thankfully ive a ward round tomorrow and i can see what else can be done.
Whilst ive been in hospital, which has been since 30th January, ive felt beywond suicidal and sadly attepted to take my own life. To which i was extremly close o all 6 occasion.
Thankfully though although i still dont want to live im not actually trying to take my life any more. So i guess theres a slight increase in my mood.
Things r getting tough though and my restraint for not self harming is getting redoculously hard but i have to keep remind myself to stop. Not just for me but because my nephews chrestening on may 10th and i need to b off line od sight before i can go anywhere. I also need to get leave from the ward off the doctor because annoying, through the lack of doctoriness from the previous ass. It was too risky to keep me informal.
I really hope that things will start changing soon.
Sorry its a short update but im starting to feel a little shit just writing this. Fingers cross a few more weeks and ill be reborn.
Hope your all well
Tuesday, 3 March 2015
Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.
On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.
I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.
A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.
I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.
All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
Saturday 31st January 2015...at 7am i woke with a very rude awakening, yet another asthma attack. Its never nice waking up struggling to breathe, having a peak flow of 90 and sats of 81% so we got an ambulance straight away.
By the time i got to resus i was shattered. All the usual drugs were given and ICU had been contacted. They came to visit me in resus and all i remember is waking with the ICU consultant holding ny head and holding a bag and valve mask to my face as he was bagging me.
So, as you can probably guess i went to resus and was on NIV for 24 hours.
Once my gases had stabilised i begged to leave ICU because of the trauma it causes me so thankfully they got me to the ward pretty quickly. U fortunatly,the first night on the ward there was a crash call put out for me.and the resus trolly placed next to my bed. The ICU cons then rushed me for an urgent CT scan to make sure i had no clots as my gases were shocking. Thankfully i didnt but i did however have double pneumonia and some shadows on my lungs. The pneumonia had been treated and ive gotta go back when more stable to have biopses on my lungs to figure out what the shadows are.
Three days later i was getting better and my consultant wanted to see how my heart was doing as he though he could hear issues. So off i pop for the scan and guess what, i have fluid building up on my heart. Perfect. So now i need a second heart scan this sunday to see how fast it is building up.
Thursday morning I started to feel a little better and even managed to put on a film. 10 minutes in and now i have no recollection of what went on. I only know what ive been told because i went unresponsive. They think that this is a result of my asthma attack and my body being extremely exhausted. Nothing could wake me. They put stupid amounts of pressure on my chest, collar bones and eye sockets abd it didnt wake me. Aparently they also put in an oral airway and i even tolerated that. I am now sacred shitless that thisll happen with every attack i have.
My consultant has now also started me on hypertonic saline nebs to try and shift the rediculous amounts of mucus i have building up. At the moment all is going good though it is making me mouth stupidly sore.
Following all this, it has really fucked up my head and i really dont want to live anymore. So i finally managed to build up the courage to tell the staff at hospital how i felt about my suicidal intentions abd as a result ive been admitted to a secure mental health unit.
All this happened on my birthday and it sucks. What a great birthday.
I got put on level three line of sight because of the risks and my intentions to die.
The second night of my being here i really did just have enough so tide stuff around my neck. Sadly though about 5 minutes later i got caught. Needless to say im mega pissed off.
Ive also managed to get hold of things and cut up my arm aswell. All of this because of stupid PTSD abd flashbacks from ITU admissions. I really want this to end. If not the flash backs then my life...